my boutique law firm

my law firm claims it is "boutique" and provides full detailed service (get your minds out of the gutter) to each of its clients with personal care. but here are some examples of conversations i have overheard between some of the employees and the clients (the client end is admittedly, educated speculation), among employees, etc.:

this, among the best, is between an employee who literally pronounces her name "smamfa" - a paralegal who knows only about bankruptcy claims - and a client: (For the purpose of preserving anonymity, false names have been substituted in for everyone else. She really calls herself Smamfa.)
client: I have some questions about my case
Smamfa: Okay what kind of questions do you have sir?
client: (begins talking about setting up wife's estate)
Smamfa: Okay let me find your name in our system. (fails) I can't find her name sir, can you spell it again?
client: (spells) I've had this problem before.
Smamfa: (fails again) I still can't find it. Who have you spoken with in the past?
client: Well I've spoken with John Doe, Wallace Shirley, (etc)
Smamfa: (fails to realize that Wallace Shirley is really Shirley Wallace, an attorney overseeing the estate department). None of those names work here anymore, do you have any papers with any names on them?
client: Okay let me get a paper, here we go Wallace, Shirley.
Smamfa: (finally realizes Wallace Shirley is Shirley Wallace) Oh that person works here, but I don't have information about them.
client: (becomes frustrated) Can you just transfer me back to the person I spoke with earlier? (it takes one button to transfer a call)
Smamfa: I can't do that sir but if you call back, you can try to ask for Shirley Wallace.
client: Can you transfer me to them?
Smamfa: No but here is our main phone number, you can call and they will transfer you.
client: Just transfer me back to Shirley Wallace.
Smamfa: I can't do that take down this number: ###-###-####.

puerile day:
Smamfa: I need to write a check for $90 because I got a parking ticket, but I don't have enough money.
colleague Bertha: Why don't you call your bank?
Smamfa: (calls bank) So I just called the bank and they told me there was nothing they could do. I don't understand, what bank doesn't let you write checks if you don't have the money if you're just going to pay them back later?
Bertha: I don't know, that totally sucks.

because client welfare is our top priority:
Smamfa: (in one breath) Hi Mrs. Smith I got a message that you had called and that your husband had passed away and I'm very sorry he passed away can you please tell me when he died?
client: .....Um. Hi. He passed away very recently on October 10, 2006.
Smamfa: (in one breath) Okay I'll put that into the system and then you should be all set do you have any other questions? No? Okay have a goodnight. (click)
client: .....(click)
colleague Herbert: That was fast.
Smamfa: (giggle) Yea, I know, sometimes I can do it faster.

next up! the clueless estate department